It’s that time of year! We’re supposed to feel in love, sexy, horny, romantic - right? Hallmark expectations aside, I hear from women in my practice ALL THE TIME that they’re not that into having sex. Their libido isn’t where they’d like it to be. They love their partners (and I find this happens more typically among women who are in committed, long-term relationships), they want to be intimate, but they’re just not feeling it. So here are some ideas to consider … just in time for Valentine’s Day!
(Sexual function is a complex topic; if you have concerns about yours, consider this article that I wrote about exploring and managing low sexual desire in women, and talk to your healthcare provider. Or me :)
Think of intimacy as a holistic concept.
When partners are vulnerable with one another in general - sharing their imperfections, their emotions, their experiences - and ACT with love, they are more likely to feel close to one another, enhancing relationship satisfaction, and naturally fueling a desire for physical connection. (I love this article about the research of John Gottman’s “Love Lab”). One of my most important life lessons is that love is an action, not a feeling … but I know that choosing to act with love can deepen the feeling … the trust and appreciation and deep connection that enhances sexual desire.
Broaden your definition of “sex”.
Particularly for heterosexual couples, “sex” often means “penis-in-vagina”. But there are so many ways to explore sex! And so many ways to give and receive sexual pleasure. When the need and expectation for orgasm is set aside, and space is created for mindfulness, “sex” can be many different things. “Guide to Getting it on” is a great primer. It is heteronormative, and it won’t make everyone happy (is that even possible??) AND there are many great books out there for folks of all orientations/kinks/persuasions. Explore! And comment with your favourites!
While familiarity is comfortable, and knowing and trusting your partner(s) builds intimacy, our brains seek novelty in order to stimulate reward centers. If sex is the same all the time, and predictable, it can get boring and less inticing. Consider talking to your partner about shaking things up a bit! There are many questionnaires available online that can facilitate the potentially awkward conversation and stimulate creativity - try this one! AND couples that engage in new experiences outside of the bedroom (or wherevever else you like to get it on - good for you!) are more likely to connect sexually as well. Try a dance class! Pottery (channeling Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore)! Eating in the dark! See what happens.
Make space for sexual intimacy.
As Dan Savage says, “Fuck first”. We often get busy, put other priorities ahead of our connection with our partner, and end up tired and sapped. Even if you're not exactly in the mood to begin with, being willing to dip in your toe can get the juices flowing. It could be argued that scheduling sex is contrived BUT imagine the turn-on when you sext one another all day in anticipation of what’s to come! Have sex before going for dinner, before catching up on Netflix, before your workout. Don’t succumb to not having time for … business time!
Be good to yourself!
Many conditions including (but definitely not limited to!) hypertension, diabetes, depression, and multiple sclerosis are associated with lower libido. Stress and fatigue can damage our desire. Eating well, exercising most days, getting sufficient sleep, managing stress effectively, and looking after any health concerns can make a big difference. Some medications can dampen libido - touch base with your healthcare provider to explore strategies to navigate this possibility.
And sometimes we just don’t feel like it. And that’s okay too. Especially mothers - we often feel touched out, particularly when our kids are small (and breastfeeding!). When we feel drained and needed, it can be overwhelming to know that our partners need us too. It may be okay to ask your partner to look after YOU … a foot rub, a back tickle, a head massage, more … without the expectation (today anyway) of reciprocity. It will pay long term dividends.
(Full disclosure: I am not a sex goddess, and am working through all of this myself. Just as I am doing with pretty much everything I recommend. As always, a work in progress.)
It's that time of year. It's dark; it's cold; the bills from December's indulgences are rolling in. It's a tough time of year to feel upbeat and energetic. I want to channel a little black bear and just curl up in my cave until the spring. I know I'm not alone. We just passed "Blue Monday", apparently the most depressing day of the year. Whether or not it's a PR stunt, a significant number of adults struggle in the winter with energy and mood that's lower than they want it to be. There are many things that can sap energy and depress mood, but after obvious disease processes are properly ruled out and managed, we're left with what we call a "functional" concern: there's nothing pathological, but the body just isn't functioning at its best.
In my experience - both clinically and personally - there are a few common contributors. The first is inadequate sleep. This might seem really obvious, but many folks simply don't get as much sleep as they need. Sleep is when we rest, heal, regenerate the wear and tear of our waking hours. Most people do not function well on six hours a night, and many people don't sleep well, even if they're in bed. Inadequate quantity or quality of sleep increases our body's stress response, a known contributor to low energy and low mood. The solution? It can be as simple as getting to bed at a reasonable hour, and there are many effective strategies we can explore if there are difficulties initiating or maintaining sleep.
The second issue is often a poor diet. The body needs foods rich in vitamins, minerals and phytonutrients - not from supplements, but from food. We need adequate proteins, complex carbohydrates and healthy oils to maintain blood sugar, and plenty of fibre to clear out waste products that can weigh us down and make us sluggish. Abundant fruits and vegetables help protect our bodies from oxidative stress and inflammation, both of which sap energy and drag down mood. It's tough to eat a good diet with a busy lifestyle. I can help with simple strategies for convenience, meal planning and improving what's going down the hatch.
The third issue is physical activity. It's not very often that the problem is too much exercise, although over-training can be an issue for some. Most people tend to not do enough. The minimum recommended for basic healthy functioning is 150 minutes per week of moderate to vigorous activity - that's 30 minutes, five times a week, of something that gets your heart going. It could be skating, swimming, playing at the playground, shooting hoops, or dancing - ideally, it would be something you actually enjoy! It's a particularly interesting one, because low energy and low mood are things that stops many folks from exercising. However, energy and mood both tend to increase as activity levels do. Exercise also improves the ability to think clearly, sleep quality, bowel movements ... all of which has the effect of improving energy. Think of it as an investment. Despite the cold weather, exercising outside might increase the benefits even more!
There are certainly other factors that can drag down energy ... stress, physical illness, pain, worry ... everyone has a different story. Beyond the basics, there are a range of herbs and supplements that can address your unique needs. Come on in and we can figure out what will work for you!